Trust and Doubt

As the saying goes: "once bitten twice shy", and I am tempted to add on to that with "twice bitten, forever shy". How can I trust someone who bit me twice without the slightest thought going to a what-if-theres-a-third-coming-up? Doubt kills life. I am not sure whether what I see is truth or my fear manifesting itself. And sour dreams dont help. My mind has the very uncomfortable habit of dreaming my wildest fears, which somehow, don't seem all that wild and impossible when I wake up. The eternal conflict of trust vs doubt.. in the end probably none will win...

counting backwards

Yesterday was "il-gurnata nazzjonali tas-sewqan taht is-sorm" which translated in sensible english is "national day of people driving really close to your rear.. bumper". It was not a very pleasant day, especially when I had to drive down a really steep hill with no lights (pitch black.. spooky view from the rear view mirror..), with over 115 traffic signs (yes i counted them) and with lots of roundabouts and islands spread about like baubles on a christmas tree. I'm sure any sensible person (sensibility, like common sense.. is not so common) in their right minds and with their limbs at heart would understand my not exceeding the 60kmh. I had this very irritating conincidence of cars full of drunken idiots driving oh so very close. It was scary I tell you. No sudden braking allowed in such situations, unless, of course, you feel like a free flight (taxes included) to hospital. Anyhow, I escaped this experience unharmed and unharmed.. with a small tip: pressing the brake peddle very lightly doesnt slow down your car.. it just gives a heartattack to the moron driving a fart's distance away from your car .. *zmile*

vanity fair

just to try and change my profile photo to this one..

listen, big guy..

I am not kneeling. But probably I'm doing what people that knee do.. and it's not proposing. I'm going through what I used to hear about when I was in primary school. And at that point in time some warm feeling inside used to reassure me that, no, that was definitly something which I wouldn't go through. Now I'm older, and it's actually happening. What is most frustrating and frightening is that it's not happening to me. And it's horrible to see someone droop, and retreat, and give up, and grow old and fed up. It is so beyond me and so ugly. And it is so not fair. Helplessness is something I want away from my ME.
Please, let it all be ok, let something happen that makes all this worthwhile. Give him back his dignity..and a life. I'd be very glad to give him mine, just to see some spark back in that body. It's called balancing weights..
Ei man.

oh, her... well...

what would other people say about me..

Sh: she's nice, she's intelligent, and she's a wonder to talk to... when she gets the chance cioe
Mum: the oldest in age..the youngest at heart. And the softest and cudliest of the 3 sisters.
Dad: the one that owes me most money
Lula: the nerdiest sister on earth, but cares.. and a good taxi driver
Teftufa: the one that gets on my nerves most..lives in a world of her own
Fishing Rod: My curse..my blessing when I'm in a good mood. Thinks she's always right.. Zatat.. lives in a horrible road.. sapientona..rompi pal**..
Genisis: the stubbornest stubborn mule in universe. With the most ego-centric brute for company ever possible
Kiki: agrees with Genisis .. she needs to open her eyes and close her heart. But I trust she'll do the right thing in the end.

... to be continued/edited/deleted

Ċiċra woke up feeling like she had slept for months. She'd only been sleeping for a week, time enough for her superheroine battery to recharge completely. She walked slowly to the bathroom mirror to see the state of her own self after 7 days of awes0me relaxations and dreams.
"I need to start working more, and waste this energy more often.." she grumbled, barely understanding herself ( not a surprise after not having talked for so long).

Now you'd probably remember having glimpsed at the box of other super heros and reading that their battery runs low..and eventually out.. after approximately a month. Batman's and Superman's run out every other minute.. that's why we never actually get to see them around. In Ċiċra's case, this happened for the first time in 21 years, need I explain why?

Anyway, it was time for her to set off and see what remained of the world after such a lenghty break..eeqhemm..i mean.. absence. She walked over to the furthest side of the room and sprinted towards the window, and.. BAAANG!

"*&$*"(!_)("(€)_)().. I knew I had forgotten something! )"(_€)*(€*$(*€(*&(__)*@ "(notice the € sign featuring here..)

She opened the window, and again, sprint and ..OUT she was in the morning air. Her flying had not been effected by the small nap at all! It was still clumsy, jerky and very dangerous for people having baths on the opposite side of the continent.

Her trip was very brief indeed. Soon enough (and no one was expecting otherwise) she was clinging off a tree branch looking like she'd suddenly felt the urge to indulge in a very lively and aggressive lettuce. Then.. BLUM to the ground with a tump that had the Krakatoa burp a cloud of toxic lava fumes.

The thought of flying again didn't cross the very limited parking lot behind her forehead. So off she set with a nice, steady pace towards her assistant (who's name escaped her..) 's house.
"Hello you, I have a problem."
" Oh, err..good morning Ċiċra, how can I be of help?"
"My nose is sooo cold, I just can't get it warm!"
"Of course it's cold. Your nose would be cold even in summer 'cause by the time you manage to warm it up, it would be Winter again!"

..and she still didn't notice how strange his accent was...

Prada and me

the best thinking moments

..they were talking about her precious gem. The one she knew so well, and loved. And it felt so strange to hear someone else talking about him, critisizing him, failing to see what she saw. And she couldn't help but resist, and maybe she shouldn't have. She wanted to be there without him, but they brought him up. And all of a sudden it was like a train, at high speed and maximum momentum, and she was in it, but she was still..not moving.


... It was taken all away, ever since the beginning.

on the fingers of one hand

mmm, I was thinking today. Not that I didn't have anything better to do, but, I was thinking. Janice loves to use the word Princess... granted, since it's her profession; and well, I tried to make a list of all the people who made me feel like a princess in my life.

First and foremost there's my Nannu.
Many people seem to have had a special relationship with their grandparents. He was quiet, reseved and strict. But he had a soft spot for me. I was his gal. I still remeber the cosy feeling of his embrase. We used to spend endless hours playing Bella Donna, and Bella Donna halliela. And I know he always let me win. My mum says he was a chain smoker, but he never smoked in my presence. He was tall and sleak for his age. I came across some photos of when he was younger, the other day, and let me tell you, he was a real charmer. Nanna says he was a playboy before they got married; no wonder! His family was poor but nonetheless he studied and became a nurse, after being a bus driver for I don't know how long. I didn't go to see him when he was in hospital. I wouldn't have bared to have him look at me and not recognize me. I think of him almost every day. He is my guardian angel, I'm sure.

Well, now the other people who made me feel like a princess will look a bit dull compared to him, but anyway, they are all very special just the same.

There's Janice obviously. She makes me feel special.. even though we don't meet much she really keeps me on top of her lists all the time. We are oh so different but we actually celebrate this.. our friendship is, I would say: sizzling.

There's Dz.. I don't need to go into much detail here..given the elogju I wrote a few days ago. But yes, he does make me feel special.

Then there's another person. No need to mention his name but he was the one that inspired me to write this blog. He said something once, which I will remember for the rest of my life. Something you would say to someone you really think highly of. And well, I started thinking highly of this person ever since.

Now that's quite a long list of special people..

pillow case theory

Please submit anger management strategies here.. the more the merrier.. fast!

mondays

this is a list of the things that happened to me today..

1. Woke up at 7.30 and couldnt get back to sleep, until 8.55, 5mins before the alarm was set to wake me up

2. left early to pick il-Duka up, cause I'm too good, and when we finally got to university there were so many cars looking for parking that I had to drive back to S.Gwann, and park miles away.

3..this also meant that we got to lecture 15minutes late

4.. and on the way there I realized that all the liquid in my very carefully prepared salad had soaked into my bag..

5... ie.. everywhere was smelling like old socks.

6. after university..went to buy myself a lovely laminating machine. The road was disasterous. Had the shop been in the middle of a crator on the moon, it would have been easier to get there. Anyway..

7. Got back home, still happy with my new technology.. but alas! I found it has a missing stopper. So it's imbalanced..

8. In the middle of my swearing at the idiot who packed the laminator, my eyes focused on unauthorized movement on my desk. ANTS!! They decided to use my room as a bypass for the roof! Not a nice threat for someone who is not so comfortable in the company of insects

9. The intrusion required immediate action, so I got THE antpoison and starting climbing to place it in a strategic place. The strategic place required me to hang from the shelves, holding only with one hand and one leg. What was I doing with the other hand? I was hitting it really hard against one of the shelves..it is still aching.

and it is still early...

I hate mondays.

Salty stuff

I wasn't even going out. The weather was horrible and I was tired stiff, but something inside me wasn't going to rest until I got dressed and left for the bar.

Well, let me skip the nitty gritty and get to the nice stuff. Princess was amazing. I hadn't heard her sing for ages and ages and I had missed it. Her voice is like a bowl of cherries; bubbly and so natural.

The music was really good. I found myself keeping the beat instinctively. They've already got a groovy style. There is something mystical which binds them. It's unexplainable, but its there. A sort of aura, an aim.

Still, Princess was best..keep it up cherry ;)

malti

Inhasdet. Ma kienetx qeghda tistenna li jnizzluha minn gos-shab daqshekk hesrem. U il-hasda kibret x'hin ghajnejha iffukaw fuq wicc il-profs ftit centimetri il-boghod minn wiccha.
Jaqq; setghet tarha kull toqbda fejn qabel kien hemm tebgha tal-gilda. U setghet ixxomm ir-riha ta cafe` kark li probabli kien xorob ezatt qabel rehielha ghal dik is-siegha maghhom.
"Ghadek ma qomtx sinjorina, dologhdu? Ma hallewkx torqod billejl jaqaw? jew kellek x'taghmel?"
Sparhom il-mistoqsijiet. U ma kull wahda ghajnejh xeghlu iktar bil-pjacir hu u jara il-misthija iddelli fuq wiccha. Jew ghalmenu hekk haseb hu x'hin rahha tbaxxi rasa u tpoggi idha fuq halqha. Ried ihalli ftit sekondi biex igawdi il-figura li kien ghadu kif qata` qabel jikser is-silenzju. L-istudenti l-ohra kienu qeghdin jifluhom sew, l-ewwel lilu, issa bilwieqfa dritt dritt qisu xi general wara battalja kiefra imma rebbieha, u hi imgedsa fuq is-siggu, kwazi kwazi tistenniha se tinfaqa tibki dalwaqt.

Tista tahseb kif baqa` kulhadd x'hin flok lefqa ta` biki, instemet spluzjoni ta dak hierga minn taht dik l-id. Hi tefghet rasha lura tant kienet qawwijja id-dahka. U sa dan it-tant kulhadd kien ghadu iccassat. Il-profs biss, gismu bhal qisu inxtorob; fekruna kif thoss li riesaq xi ghadu, dahal go qoxortu minghajr qas biss tharrek.

"Ha naraw, ejja, share the joke, forsi nidhak jien ukoll la narak hierga l-barra mil-kamra."

Id-dahka bdiet tmajna bil-mod, sa ma spiccat fix-xejn. Imma fuq wiccha baqghet dik id-dbissima sarkastika, mimlija bl-ewforja tat-tpattija.

"Ma nafx min liktar fis-shab jien dolghodu; jekk hux min qed jiccassa ftit,.. jew min nesa` jilbez iz-zarbun!"

U ghajnejn kulhadd waqghu fuq il-papocc tas-sodda tal-profs; kulur kannella hamrani, mimli toqob u tentix!

"Sorry"
Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too
He said I'm sorry
so sorryI'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

a rusted reflection

Ode to all the crappy sh** about anger management and counting to ten before erupting like a Vessuvius in his better days.
Humans are faulty computers. They watch films and think that everything else works like those 120mins. They expect romatic love stories with a good dose of happy ending for instance. And then, shock of the shocks, someone gets very sick, or someother gets a bit edgy, and all the romatic happy ending goes up in smoke taking with it the love story as well. We are growing our children in all this unfortunately. Everyone is trying to make his/her life as similar as possible to that perfect fairytale, keeping all the anger and fear and hatred and hurt inside, and then we all look surprised when out comes the paper attatched to a divorce lawyer, full of tiny bullets, and a straight line with "please sign here" at the very very bottom.
We, in turn, were grown in a world were everyone thinks only about himself, his needs and his interests. We rarely stop to think what is best for someone else, or to understand someone else's point of view. And if by any genetic error we actually do..then someone else crops up telling us we're softy idiots.
It is a vicious circle. I don't do it, so you don't do it, so he doesn't do and so on. Why should I do it if no one else bothered? And all our values down the drain. I'm not innocent either. I'm as guilty as everyone else. Nowaday we all sit at our computers, staring at that blank screen for hours on end; to think that everything we are actually interacting with is a set of 1s and 0s. And there is a person sitting at the other computer, or cooking downstairs, or watching tv in the other room, and it never crosses our minds to go over and simply be in the room with them. Sure, there's plenty of time to do that, we can do it some other day, yeah right, on the 12th of never.

Lancome

Cic

Dear You,

I am writing this with the hope you will never get to read it before my death. I have known you for over a year now, and I often find myself thinking back on the days when I used to look at you from a distance. You where quiet, shy, spoilt, lonely, independent and appealing. I also remember myself always overdoing it with words, actions and smss. Then we got closer, 11 months ago, and there started my mad rollercoaster ride.
You pissed me off a million times, confused me a million others and made me cry rivers and rivers. It was though, I admit it, and it still is. But today I realize how you helped me grow up and mature. You taught me how to love you, and you showed me the real value of simple gestures. I had to learn how to count to 1000,000 before I blow my top. You taught me the softness of a touch and the harshness of a pinch. You taught me how to draw, and even though you are so good at it, you still find things to praise in my simple, sketchy drawings. You listen and listen and listen to my endless chatter and taught me how to listen too, to your silence. You taught me how to drive, let me get behind your steering wheel; let me overheat your car. I savoured the stars with you, and the smell of the sea, and the sound of the boats floating, but also the mosquito bites while drunk. I shared my greatest secret with you, and you didn't make it weigh. You wanted me to participate in your journey as an artist and professional, and you value my opinions more than any other. You taught me how to admit when I'm wrong, and you ALWAYS know when I'm lying. We shared the most delicious white chocolate cheese cake ever, and fought over our first ever fried ice-cream and baci cake. You want me always walking in front, and you always make sure I don't get under any cars, be it with some nasty comment, a firm order or a gentle tug. You hugged me when I cried because I thought I was disappointing you... and deep down I know you trust my driving, even though you give me such a hard time.

...

Love,
Christine

Like a butterfly,
Soft wings, tender touch,
I fly towards
What I long for so much.

Like a ray of sun,
Moving through the skies,
I search restless
For warm lullabies.

2,5

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can' t have them
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. !
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

reflection

sun --> moon
thin--> fat
blue--> red
italy--> england
in--> out
hard--> soft
cold--> warm