Today I am going to spend time writing about Maltese driving because even though I have been driving for 8 years now, I still can't get used to it. I believe it is a phenomenon I should report about so that in years to come people will have a source of facts that explains what the immense number of pot holes and road signage are used for.. a bit like our Cart Ruts.

For a Malteser, I drive long distances every day, and I consider myself a bit of an expert in the field. If driving where a martial art (I would argue that it nearly is), I would be a black belt.. In the long hours I spend in my car I have had time to develop a "Beginners Guide to Driving in Malta". Here is a little summary:

Dear Tourist, if you are planning to come to Malta and drive, we recommend that you pack your belongings but leave behind your common sense, eye sight, logic, manners, knowledge of road rules, fear for precious life and limbs, sense of direction and hope.
There are two major factors that you need to constantly keep in mind in order for you to be able to cover the little distances planned for your trip: The state of the roads and the state of the drivers. Let's start with the first one: the famous Maltese roads. Many have tried, but few have succeeded to look at and obey Maltese road signs, the amount of which will surpass your wildest immagination. In a stretch of 100m road you might find yourself having to first drop speed to 40km/h (and this is a bypass, not a village street), then increase it back to a comfortable 60km to then drop it to 40km/h again. That is, if you are lucky. If you are unlucky, the 60km relief will not be there. You will also find that these signs change from one day to the next.. No one knows what determains these changes but legend has it that it is the whirlwinds that form in pot holes on particularly windy days. These changes, altough frequent, have never as yet been recorded on video.. the sneeky mongrels.
What is difficult about looking at signs while driving? I imagine you are asking. Well, try keeping track of road signs while also avoiding pot holes and consequently, punctures. Precisely! Imposibble. And that's what you will be doing for most of the time here. Well done for choosing such an exciting holiday.
Ok, that was driving on the empty roads. The next ingredient is the drivers; maltese, and dangerous. STOP signs, indicators and roundabout rules are japanese for them. The only rule here is to break rules and scream at anyone who tries to do the same, to your detriment. Then, if you are female or tourist, you get targeted. So be prepared for a lot of negative attention. If you are female AND tourist.. just don't even bother coming here. Life insurance does not cover you if you commit suicide.

Welcome to Malta!